I will be honest: The culinary highs of 2024 were not nearly as high as those of 2023.
The five best items I ate in 2023 would have all been #1 if they had been eaten in 2024.
By the same token, the lows were not nearly as low. The worst thing I ate in 2024 was bad, but it really wasn't that bad. Most years, I eat at least a couple of things that are truly revolting; that did not happen this year.
You know the rules: only things I ate for the first time in 2024 are eligible. (Which probably explains the previous sentences; I revisited a LOT of old favorites in 2024, both in California and Colorado. The Slippery Shrimp at Yang Chow, Lobster Dynamite at Japango, Chicken Tarna Wrap at Zankou Chicken, and French Onion Soup Dumplings at ChoLon would all be Top-5 items if not for this rule.)
So let's do this, starting with the worst.
#10: TRADER JOE'S PIZZA PARTY POTATO CHIPS
There are lots of Trader Joe's items that I do not like, but it's rare that I find one that truly hate. This is one of them. As I often do with chips, I shared them with coworkers. Not a single person liked them.
#9: GREAT VALUE NASHVILLE STYLE HOT SHRIMP
You all know my thoughts on Nashville Hot by this point - none of it is truly as hot as actual hot chicken in Nashville. It's just a cool-sounding phrase people use to try to sell products that used to be called "Buffalo."
Not only were these not spicy, but they tasted awful: small, low-quality shrimp that no self-respecting restaurant would ever serve. (Great Value, you may not know, is Walmart's in-house brand.)
#8: MARBLE CHERRY LIMEADE LAGER
I was excited to try this, as I really like Marble Brewery, and I loved cherry and limeade. But God did I hate this. It tasted of neither of the promised fruits.
I had bought a six-pack and donated the other five cans to my work, hoping I could sell them at one of the many parties throughout the summer. Not a single one sold. Not one.
#7: GENERAL TSO'S CHICKEN at WONDERFUL HOUSE CHINESE RESTAURANT
When it comes to cheap Chinese takeout, all restaurants fall into one of two categories: Delicious places that are always packed because they are great, and shitty places that are always packed because they give large, cheap portions.
I had eaten at Wonderful House years ago and thought it was delicious. (One of their chicken dishes made my Top 10 list in 2019 or 20.) I had not been in several years until earlier this month.
This chicken was one of the worst "Chinese" dishes I have ever tried.
#6: FRITOS NASHVILLE HOT
See my above description of the shrimp and replace the final word with "metallic."
#5: HOT ONES BONELESS SPICY GARLIC CHICKEN BITES
Fatty, rubbery chicken in a not-spicy sauce. Terrible.
#4: DIGIORNO THANKSGIVING PIZZA
This is the kind of thing my friends and I would have created when we were 20. And drunk.
Who the fuck thought gravy would be a good base for a pizza?
Of course, I'm the idiot who bought and tried the pizza, so I shouldn't be too critical, I guess.
#3: TRADER JOE'S OVEN DRIED RED & YELLOW BELL PEPPER CRISPS
I love bell peppers and was intrigued at the thought of eating them in crispy, dried-out form.
I spit out the first bite after a few chews.
They can't all be this bad, can they? I thought to myself.
So I took another bite.
They were this bad.
#2: TEXAS ALE PROJECT DANK CERVEZA MEXICAN LAGER
The worst beer I have ever had. I have never drank bong water, but I have no doubt it tastes like this.
THE WORST THING I ATE IN 2024: TRADER JOE'S JAPANESE SOUFFLE CHEESECAKE
I knew this would not be as good as Uncle Tetsu, but hell, if it were only half as good, I would be thrilled.
It was not half as good. It was not good in any way.
The driest cake I have ever tried. The most flavorless cake I have ever tried. Eating the bag would have been a more pleasant experience.
#20: CHURRO BIRTHDAY CAKE
My little buddy Naja was considerate enough to hold her first birthday party at a brewery. This, you may not be surprised to learn, makes children's birthday parties much more enjoyable. Her parents' brought this "cake"; I do not know where they got it, just that it was delicious.
#19: GARLIC SHRIMP at HANMI KOREAN-CHINESE FUSION
Certainly not as good as my beloved Slippery Shrimp at Yang Chow, but crispy, sweet, plump and juicy. I only ate half and asked for a to-go box for the rest. Then realized that they would never be as good again once they cooled down, so I ate the rest in my car in the parking lot.
#18: CHERRY-BOURBON BBQ BRISKET LAVASH PIZZA
Does this one really need an explanation?
#17: DR PEPPER DONUT at KRISPY KREME
I often try new donuts at Krispy Kreme, because donuts are delicious. This one, with Dr Pepper-flavored creme frosting, is probably the best I have ever tried. I wish it were available all the time.
#16: BRISKET BIRRIA TACOS IN MEXICAN STYLE STREET CORN TORTILLAS
Another one that probably needs no explanation.
#15: RAO'S KETCHUP
This stuff is too expensive for ketchup and the only place in town I can find it is Whole Foods - where it's usually out of stock - but it's in the top 3 ketchups I have ever tasted.
#14: TURKEY DIP at FRENCHIE'S DIPS & TOTS
The sandwich is wonderful but what makes the whole thing otherworldly was the shitake-black garlic au jus.
#13: SMOKED COCKTAIL SAUCE at INDIGO CROW
I tried several times to replicate this myself, and failed each time. The other day I mentioned this to our new chef at work and he said "I bet they use already-smoked herbs in it. Probably smoked paprika."
This had not occurred to me, as I am not a professional chef. When the warm weather returns, I will try again.
#12: BBQ BACON BURGER WITH CRISPY ONIONS AND SLAW FROM A CHEF I FIRED FOR STEALING A BOTTLE OF RUM AND GETTING DRUNK ON THE JOB
One day a member came into my office and said "The new chef - is he mentally handicapped?"
I said no and the guy replied "Well, then, he's fucked up."
I went into the restaurant and the chef was flipping a veggie burger on the grill. Except the grill had not been turned on. It was ice cold. He hadn't noticed.
He had stolen a bottle of rum out of the bar and gotten shitfaced. So I fired him on the spot.
Apparently he thought if he argued with me, I might change my mind.
"I'm the best fucking chef this cafe has ever had!"
"That might be true," I said, "but you cannot steal alcohol or get drunk at work."
He paused for 10 seconds.
"Why not?"
Anyway, the shame of it is that he was right about one thing - he was a damn good chef. These burgers he created for the Super Bowl were fantastic.
#11: CILANTRO-LIME FRIED SHRIMP TACOS
The shrimp were from Whole Foods, flavored with cilantro and lime. I made the red cabbage slaw. The sauce was Kinder's chipotle-lime Baja tacos sauce. I love fried shrimp tacos and these were some of the best I have ever had.
#10: CUPCAKE from (I THINK) WHOLE FOODS
Usually when people have parties at my work, they share food and especially desserts with me, since I am the GM and have played a big role in helping them execute their party.
This party did not. But the cupcakes looked so good that I took one anyway. And it was one of the best I have ever had. (Other than a watermelon cupcake at the long-gone Crumbs Bake Shop more than a dozen years ago, it is the best cupcake I ever remember eating.)
But since I stole it, I couldn't very well ask where it came from.
However, a few weeks later, I noticed cupcakes at the Whole Foods bakery that looked exactly like these, so I am guessing that's where they were from.
#9: CHEF ANA'S CHILAQUILES
I walked into the cafe one morning and Chef Ana was making chilaquiles that smelled spectacular. I told her so.
"Really?" she asked. "You can have some. I didn't think you liked Mexican food."
"No, you're confused," I said. "I love Mexican food. I don't like Mexican people."
They were the best chilaquiles I have had in... well, probably ever.
#8: WAGYU "SASHIMI" WITH FRIED GARLIC AND SPICY SOY at JAPANGO
I was fortunate to eat at Japango on three different occasions in 2024. There are certain items I get on every occasion - and they have all featured on this blog over the years - but I usually try one new thing each trip. And this is the reason why: because they are always delicious.
#7: KOREAN HOT FRIED CHICKEN SLIDERS at CHOLON MODERN ASIAN
I am pretty sure I have never had larger sliders than these, but of course size means nothing if they didn't taste good.
Fortunately, they tasted great. A tooth-crackingly crisp batter, juicy chicken, delicious gochujang mayo, and pickled red onions and greens.
This place is expensive, but if it were in Santa Fe, I would go at least once per week.
#6: INDIAN-STYLE FRIED SHRIMP WITH SPICY TOMATO CHUTNEY at HARRY'S ROADHOUSE
Harry's Roadhouse is one of the most popular restaurants in town, and the place itself is cool, but I find their food rather boring. (To be honest, I say this about a lot of restaurants in town.) This appetizer, however, was a spectacular exception. The batter was unique - it tasted like a classic beer batter and at the same time like no batter I have ever before had - and the chutney was delicious.
#4: ONION RINGS at THE LIBERTIES OF DUBLIN
There were basic things I enjoyed cooking when I was a kid - BBQ chicken pizza, grilled burgers, etc. - but I didn't truly get into cooking until I was 19 or 20 years old. I was watching Food Network and Emeril made onion rings that looked simple: onions soaked in buttermilk for 24 hours, then dredged through beer and flour and fried until crispy.
I made them for a family party and everyone agreed: They were fantastic. Back in those days, my family was larger - both of my grandmothers, my brother, and several close cousins were alive and often visited for family parties. For years, my onion rings - by which I mean Emeril's, of course - were always requested. Everyone said "These are the best onion rings we have ever had."
And I agreed.
But these were better.
#3: HOT & SOUR SOUP at MAMU LU DUMPLING HOUSE
On the last night of my California trip in January, I ate here with Tracie and Murph. Even though the service was unfriendly and unpleasant, the food was really good. The hot & sour soup, however, was the star of the show. I do not remember ever having a better version.
#2: ELK CARPACCIO at SANTACAFE
I've had all manner of carpaccio but I ain't never had no elk carpaccio before this evening. And it was magnificent.
#1: KOREAN SHORT RIB PIZZA at THE PERCH BREWERY
If you are reading this, you have likely been reading about my food adventures for years - some of you, more than 16 years now. That's a long fucking time.
And you have undoubtedly seen me mash up different cultures in a dish before: Asian tacos, popcorn chicken pizza, barbecue egg rolls, and all manner of quesadillas.
Sometimes it works, more often it does not.
So I was a little apprehensive about Korean-style short ribs on a pizza. But I was visiting my cousin Jonas in Phoenix and this brewery was really fun, with wild birds all over the place, so I was in the mood to try something different.
And it was spectacular. The short ribs were melt-in-your-mouth good and the pizza crust was outstanding. The tater tots, which sounded bizarre, were a wonderful addition, reminding me of the french fry pizza at Breadcrumbs
No comments:
Post a Comment