I wrote one year ago today that I did not have high hopes for 2023, that the last two years ending in "3" were two of the three worst years of my life.
I was spectacularly wrong.
2023 was a great year. I took the most fun job I have ever had and was promoted twice in less than a year. I finally walked away from the most toxic relationship of my life. I took several vacations. I got into the best shape I have been since the age of 25. And I ate some fantastic meals.
I certainly hope 2024 will be a better year but I have to be honest: I think it's going to be a weird year... and I'm not talking about me personally.
But I was wrong about this year and certainly hope to be wrong again.
Now onto the food.
You know the rules: only things I ate for the first time in 2023 are eligible.
SPECIAL AWARD: LAY'S WAVY BEER POTATO CHIPS
I have been writing these "best of" lists for 14 years, across five different blogs, and this is only the third time I have given out a special award - it's something I do when there is a food that I both love AND hate. (The first time was a Cherry Slurpee Donut from 7-Eleven. I do not remember exactly what the food was the second time.)
These were so fucking weird that I not only had to give them a special award, but I might have to name the special award after them.
They kind of tasted like soap.
But they also kind of tasted like beer.
They were disgusting.
But I ate the entire bag.
My God, these were so fucking weird.
Okay, let's do this:
THE WORST THINGS I ATE IN 2023:
#10: SAVOURSMITHS VEGAN WAGYU BEEF HONEY MUSTARD POTATO CHIPS
This was one of those things I had to try simply because I could not believe that it would possibly be as bad as it sounded. Wagyu beef honey mustard potato chips sound like they could go either way: maybe the best chips I have ever had, maybe dreadful.
But... VEGAN wagyu beef potato chips? That sounds like one of the worst things in the world. They couldn't possibly be that bad... could they?
Yes.
Yes, they could.
It is one of the worst things in the world.
#9: PIZZA at OLD TYMER'S CAFE
Make that three.
My friend Monica and I spent a day driving the Enchanted Circle and stopped in Red River for lunch. It was a Monday and almost every place was closed. So we stopped in here.
"The pizza is really good," the waitress told us.
It was not.
It was not even mediocre. I could not eat more than one slice.
I put the leftovers on the back hillside for the wild animals, and even they took two days to finish it.
It fills me with a not-small amount of joy to imagine a coyote approaching this pizza, sniffing it, and saying "Nah, I'm good."
#8 PEEPS SPARKLING WILD BERRY
I usually enjoy the new flavors of Peeps that come out in late winter every year. But not these. They would better be described as "Cough Syrup Peeps."
#7 WHITE CHEDDAR MAC & CHEESE at SMITH'S
I believe this is the third time in the last four years that an item from the Smith's deli counter has appeared on the "worst of" list. So I am never buying something from there again. No matter what.
#6 SHRIMP TEMPURA ROLL at SAKURA JAPANESE HOUSE
In the middle of July, I took a swing through West Texas and ended up for the evening in Las Cruces, New Mexico. It was 110 degrees and I had several cold beers at one of the five best bars I have ever visited in my life. Then I had a couple of beers poolside at my hotel before being hammered with the hardest summer rain I have ever experienced outside of the South.
I walked a few blocks to a sushi restaurant. I never wrote about the meal because it was pretty bad, not just the food but the apathetic hipster servers and especially the fact that the air conditioning was broke and the restaurant felt like a musty locker room.
The worst of the food was this roll: the "Stale Ahi & Dried-Out Shrimp Tempura Roll."
(Just kidding; I do not remember what the roll was called... but I am pretty sure it was not that.)
It was the driest sushi I have ever eaten.
#5: TRADER JOE'S PERFECTLY PICKLED PUPS
I love Trader Joe's, I love mini corn dogs, and I love pickles. So combining the three should be great. Or at least good.
It should NOT be one of the five worst things I ate this year.
But it was.
#4: ENCHILADA at CAFE CASTRO
In August, Emma was visiting and we needed to get lunch. It was a crowded summer weekend and I REALLY did not want to go downtown and deal with the tourists. So we ate at Cafe Castro because it was close to where we were at lunchtime.
Most of the food was terrible but the nadir was this enchilada, tasting burnt and stale.
I will never return here.
As soon as we finished lunch Emma announced "Okay, now I want to go downtown!"
And now the good stuff.
I rolled my own homemade meatballs, rubbed them with a cherry-cola BBQ spice, and smoked them for three hours.
I lived a few blocks from the original Grimaldi's in Brooklyn for almost two years but never went, the main reason being that there was always - I am not exaggerating here when I write always - a line down the street.
#3: DUCK FAT FRIES with BBQ AIOLI
[Note: This is one of those times when no words are necessary]
#3: HOMEMADE DR PEPPER BBQ SAUCE
I found a recipe online that sounded absurd: in addition to a reduction of Dr Pepper, it included AN ENTIRE CUP of sugar.
That didn't seem like it could possibly be right, but I decided to make it anyway.
It tasted like pure sugar.
I would guess that I have made more homemade sauces than any non-professional chef you know.
This was the single worst.
#2: SMART SWEETS GUMMY CANDY
Earlier this year I tried a sugar-free candy that was delicious. So I bought more.
Except... I didn't buy more.
The delicious brand I had previously bought was called Shameless Snacks.
NOT Smart Sweets, which I mistakenly bought.
Smart Sweets are the worst candies I have ever tried in my life.
THE WORST THING I ATE IN 2023: TRADER JOE'S MEATLESS CHEESEBURGER PIZZA
I bought this because I knew Emma was coming to visit soon and I though she might want it, but she did not. So one night I decided to try it when drunk.
It was the worst pizza I have ever had.
It was the worst food I ate in 2023.
THE BEST THINGS I ATE IN 2023:
#20: TRES LECHES CAKE FROM CHOCOLATE MAVEN
A couple got married at my work and bought nine cakes for the party. There was plenty left over, but the best by far was this tres leches cake.
#19: WATERMELON TEA FROM CENTRAL MARKET
It was a slightly-humid morning in Dallas and this hit the spot perfectly. Perhaps not quite as refreshing as the watermelon juice I used to buy at the Pasadena Farmers Market, but only a fraction of the price.
#18: CHERRY COLA SMOKED MEATBALLS
Not as good as Taylor's, but still damn good.
#17: PRETZEL BREAD at SIMPLE EATERY
The just-out-of-the-oven pretzel bread was delicious but alone would not have cracked the Top 20 list... however the inclusion of both beer cheese and Bavarian mustard, both fantastic, elevated it.
#16: TRADER JOE'S DIAMOND RESERVE CABERNET SAUVIGNON OAKVILLE 2020
I have had several Platinum Reserve wines from Trader Joe's, but this was the first time I ever got my hands on the elusive Diamond Reserve.
It cost $22 and tasted as good as wines that cost more than four times that much.
#15: DORITOS HOT MUSTARD POPCORN CHICKEN
I've made God-knows-how-many versions of homemade popcorn chicken over the years, usually using panko bread crumbs.
But Doritos came out with Hot Mustard chips and I figured they might make a delicious coating.
Which they did.
#14: BECK & BULOW BISON FLAT IRON STEAK
As melt-in-your-mouth decadent as all but a handful of Prime steaks I have eaten at any point in my life. I had made a red wine & shallot steak sauce but honestly this steak needed nothing.
#13: GRIMALDI'S BROOKLYN BRIDGE PIZZA TWO DAYS LATER AND REHEATED AT 900º
Almost a decade later, I finally visited Grimaldi's in, of all places, El Paso.
I am not going to say I was disappointed because my expectations were not high. But it still was merely good. Very good, even. But not great by any means.
It became just another thing about New York City whose appeal was not for me, like Times Square, ice skating at Rockefeller Center, Nathan's Famous Hot Dogs and, perhaps most explicitly, the city itself.
Two or three days later, it was my birthday, and I drank several beers on the patio. (Including several of Troy Aikman's light lager, which was delicious.)
I decided to reheat the pizza in my Ooni pizza oven, topping it with fresh basil.
They were FANTASTIC.
(Admittedly I was drunk, however I have eaten so much pizza while drunk in my life that I am able to judge it accurately.)
#12 FRUITY PEBBLES DONUT from CRAFT DONUTS & COFFEE
I do not remember the last time I had a donut only a few minutes out of the fryer. Maybe not since I was in high school. I had forgotten how delicious they are.
And when topped with my favorite breakfast cereal from childhood... this was special.
#11: POPEYES BLACKENED CHICKEN SANDWICH
I asked for it with no mayo; they drowned it in mayo.
And it was still delicious.
I had it (again) a few months later and I (again) asked for it with no mayo.
And they added spicy mayo.
And it was still delicious.
This sandwich cannot be ruined, apparently.
#10: NEW CANAAN FARMS HILL COUNTRY STEAK SAUCE
As you probably know, I buy beer and condiments on vacation. Usually I like what I buy (since, you know, I'm the one who picked it out). Sometimes I am extremely disappointed.
Every once in a while, I try something so spectacular that I wish I had bought several more.
This is one of those occasions.
The steak sauce is sweet but not cloyingly so, and it contains an unmistakable onion flavor. The umami tang of the whole thing makes it one of the best steak sauces I have ever eaten.
It's almost worth planning another Texas trip just to acquire more of this sauce.
Almost.
#9: TRADER JOE'S LAVASH PIZZA
I made this lavash on the second day of the year and immediately knew that it was going to make this list. I thought it might even be in the Top 5, to be honest.
Everything was from TJ's: the lavash, the chicken sausage, the cheese-stuffed peppers, the pizza-blend cheese, the green onions, and the phenomenal balsamic drizzle.
#8: SOUR CREAM CHICKEN NACHOS at CAFE GECKO
Many years ago I had a girlfriend who had lived in Dallas for years and loved these nachos. I tried to make her a version on two or three occasions and, although she said they were great, they were not as good as the nachos at Cafe Gecko.
I finally visited Dallas for the first time and got to try them myself.
She was right.
These are so much better than I can make. I don't know what their secret is, but they are spectacular.
#7: PORK BELLY at JAPANGO
I love this restaurant so much. This pork belly was one of the top 7 things I ate all year and yet only the third-best part of the meal. (The lobster dynamite and the sushi were better, yet I had eaten both of them in years past, so they do not qualify for this list.)
#6: MUSHROOM CHORIQUESO at MERCADO
Last January I joined Magic Murph, Noodle O'Sheep, and Barnaby McDog at Mercado for happy hour. Everything was good but this was my favorite by a wide margin and I ate more of it than all three of them combined.
#5: THE PITMASTER at WHISTLE BRITCHES
Crispy Chicken with Carolina BBQ sauce, white cheddar, caramelized-onion bacon jam, cilantro slaw, and pickled jalapeños.
In several of the last 15 years, this would have been #1. But this was no ordinary year.
#4: CHILI CHEESE FRITOS SAUSAGE at HUTCHIN'S BBQ
I wasn't sure at the time, but now that we are two months removed, I can say it: This was the best barbecue meal I have ever had. This sausage was magical and one of the four best things I ate in 2023, but only the second-best part of the meal. More on that in a minute.
#3: DUCK FAT FRIES with BBQ AIOLI
#2 BISON STEAKBURGER from BECK & BULOW
I asked many times if they will be creating more of these but they cannot say. Apparently it takes weeks - if not months - of gathering up the trimmings from bison steaks to create the burgers.
But my God they are spectacular - the sweet, rich flavor of bison and the buttery-soft chewiness of a good steak.
As with many high-quality burgers, all I used as accoutrements were red onion, pickles, and a dab of mayo.
THE BEST THING I ATE IN 2023: TEXAS TWINKIE at HUTCHIN'S BBQ
For my entire adult life, there has never been a food I have loved more than the Crab Cooker's Australian lobster, threaded onto a skewer, brushed with butter, and grilled over mesquite.
And there still isn't.
But the fact that I can reasonably call this the second-best thing I have ever eaten is remarkable in and of itself.
A jalapeño stuffed with brisket and cream cheese, wrapped in bacon, and smoked.
It's probably the second-best thing I have ever eaten.
Have a safe and fun New Year's.
See you in a couple of weeks.
No comments:
Post a Comment